Why is Admiral Eric Olson so freakin’ HOT? Is it because he was an underwater demolitions expert in the Navy Seals? NO!!! Is it because he’s the most likely pick for SOCOM combatant commander? NO!!! It’s because his middle name is THOR! That’s right ladies: unlike the dull God of Judeo-Christianity, the old Norse Gods loved mead, virgins, epic poetry and kinetic force! Admiral Olson’s namesake, Thor, was the Norse God of thunder and lightening – he was known for his big red beard and big ol’ warhammer, with which he would crush the skulls of his enemies, including various ill-tempered giants and mythological snakes. (And you know how I feel about WARHAMMERS!!!) But see the thing is, Thor was a sensitive warfighter and respected human rights: unlike Odin, Thor didn’t require human sacrifices, only a little beer now and then! BOTTOMS UP! He was also an animal lover and rode around in the sky in a chariot pulled by goats named Tanngrisnir (gap-tooth) and Tanngnjóstr (tooth-grinder). (Are goats sexy? I guess some people think so….) Now, we can’t say anything about Thor the Admiral’s performance in the fur-covered, flea-infested sack, but Thor the Norse God had a healthy libido: although he married the goddess of fertility, he also had a mistress called Jarnsaxa, the “iron cutlass.” Meeeeoooo! Who wouldn’t want a mistress named after a weapon? So, the point is: we’ve had the neo-cons, and now it’s time for the neo-pagans. Some neo-paganism would really liven up the scene at the Pentagon! Just think, we could roast some pigs in a fire pit at Ground Zero, drink psychotropic reindeer urine, raid the State Department in our long boats, and sacrifice some virgins in the E Ring…. And we need a foreign policy to go with our new neo-paganism. I think Conan really summed it up best. When asked the question: what is best in life? Conan replied: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.” Forget all this nonsense about nation-building – I want Thor the Admiral to crush MY enemies!!!
